Paleo pumpkin spice latte

If I ever manage to take a decent photo of a coffee drink, I fear the surprise might kill me.

By now you've all read this, which is horrifying and by all accounts absolutely true. Since then, all sorts of recipes for homemade pumpkin spice lattes have popped up on the interwebs. Does the world really need another one? Of course it does, silly.

I've been making my own damn pumpkin spice lattes for about a year now, and this is how I do it. My version is paleo, but I offer some additions/substitutions at the end that might not be. You do what you like, man. It's YOUR freaking latte!

Paleo Pumpkin Spice Latte

(Makes one 12-oz. drink, more or less.)

1-2 Tbs. pumpkin puree
1 tsp. pure maple syrup
1/2 tsp. pure vanilla extract
1/2 tsp. pumpkin pie spice
2 oz. brewed espresso
2 oz. canned full-fat coconut milk
6 oz. almond milk

Dump everything into a blender, blend, heat, enjoy!

Notes:

• For the pumpkin puree, you can use homemade or canned pumpkin. I use the organic canned stuff from Costco.
• Adjust the sweetener to your taste. I'm not a big fan of sweet. You can substitute one large pitted, chopped date for the maple syrup. Or try honey or liquid stevia. To me, maple + pumpkin is a no-brainer, but my husband is allergic to pure maple syrup, go figure.
• In lieu of espresso, just use strong brewed coffee or -- and this is a fantastic variation that I guarantee is delicious because I make mine this way about half the time -- strong brewed chai tea. I use rooibos for its naturally caffeine-free properties but you could use whatever.
• I hope it goes without saying that you can use whatever milk you like in this thing. I use homemade almond milk, which is my go-to milk substitute since I can't tolerate dairy, and add the canned coconut milk for extra body and creaminess.
• Possible additions: grass-fed gelatin or collagen hydrolysate (I always put about a tablespoon of this in mine), whey/protein powder, a tablespoon of grass-fed butter or coconut/MCT oil, a tablespoon of nut butter (pecan would be fantastic), a dollop of dulce de leche or cajeta (adjust/eliminate the sweetener accordingly), whipped dairy or coconut cream to float on top.
• If you're too busy to mess with all this in the morning, and who isn't, it'll keep for a day or two in the fridge. So you can make up a double batch when you have the time, then just heat and go in the morning!

Jose Cuervo, you were a friend of mine

One unintended consequence of eating paleo for the past year-plus and healing my gut fairly significantly is that when I ingest something my guts don't like, they let me know in no uncertain terms. So far there are only four offenders, thank goodness.

The lesser two evils are eggs and avocados. I can have a couple of eggs and/or half an avocado on any given day without much problem. But if I have a couple of eggs and/or half an avocado every day for two or three days in a row, I find myself bloated like a tick with insomnia, fatigue, digestive issues that don't bear mentioning, and a generally bitchy attitude. It is, shall we say, not fun. So I try to eat those things sparingly, because I can't imagine a life without avocados, you guys.

The two major offenders are dairy and alcohol. Dairy has been a life-long problem for me but I love cheese so much that I keep hoping it'll magically correct itself somehow. It hasn't. I've tried raw full-fat dairy and goat-based dairy and all of that ultra primal stuff, and no matter what, even a little bit of it causes all the problems above PLUS my throat and lungs fill up with mucus. Awesome. So yeah, dairy is Right Out.

Alcohol, though ... you guys. If you know me at all then you know that I LOVE the booze. I really do. I love to get all locavore amateur mixologist up in here, with all the amazing spirits that are being distilled in Texas right now. And I'll admit, even while eating paleo, I was indulging in an occasional local craft beer now and then. I don't have celiac and I'm pretty sure I don't have a major gluten sensitivity either, so I wasn't too worried about the occasional beer or glass of rye or what have you. But recently, any alcohol at all, whether gluten-free or not, causes the above issues (but not the dairy mucus thing, thank God).

This made me so sad when I first realized it, but then I decided to be grateful that I don't have an actual addiction to alcohol (I don't think. I'm, like, 95% sure) and to see what interesting mocktails I could come up with. Because I do have an herb addiction, apparently (22 different varieties and counting in this year's herb patch). And because I still need something delicious to sip this summer while I'm out on the patio grilling up a bunch of protein and veggies for dinner.

Below are a few of my favorite concoctions so far. A few notes on ingredients/method: you'll notice these are all sparkling water based; if anyone cares, my favorite brand is San Pellegrino, but it really doesn't matter which one you use. Or you could use flat water if you're not into bubbles. Typically I muddle the herbs, sweeteners and fruit together with the fruit juice before adding the water and ice. I don't bother straining mine but you certainly could. I'm sorry I don't have actual amounts/recipes for the herbs and other ingredients, you'll just have to make these to taste. You can't go too wrong here, and tasting is part of the fun!

Blackberries + mint + honey + sparkling water.

Blackberries + sage + honey + lemon + sparkling water.

Lavender + basil + cucumber + lime + sparkling water.

Fresh stevia + pineapple mint + lime + serrano pepper + sparkling water + salted rim.

Fresh pineapple + lime + mint + sparkling water.

Raspberries + chocolate mint + chocolate bitters + sparkling water.

Raspberries + mint + honey + rosewater + sparkling water.

Strawberries + lemon + honey + sparkling water.

I suppose it goes without saying that if you are able to tolerate booze (you lucky bastard, you), a splash of gin, rum, tequila or vodka would not go amiss in any of these drinks. But I'm going to be honest here: I don't miss the alcohol in these at all. No lie.

I'm really enjoying experimenting with these mocktails. My next wave will involve backing off from the honey a bit and incorporating more fresh stevia into the sweetened drinks to make them that much more paleo-approved.

Anyway, enjoy! And don't let being on the wagon keep you from having a delicious, festive summer! Sláinte!

Grain-free granola

I am pretty firmly on record as being a fan of homemade granola. It's super easy to make, it smells amazing while cooking, it's an awesome quick snack and can top everything from yogurt to salads. And it's a great way to get a little extra protein and healthy fat into your diet.

I was thrilled to discover that primal granola is just as easy to make as the oat-based stuff. It's so easy, in fact, that I don't really have a recipe for it. (I really should start measuring ingredients if I'm going to blog about food, shouldn't I? Yeah. I'll get right on that.)

Anyway, here's what I did:

First I put some melted coconut oil and some pure maple syrup into a giant bowl. If I had to guess, I'd say it was maybe 1/4 cup of each, but keep in mind that I do NOT like my granola to be overly sweet. You'll want to adjust accordingly if you have a sweet tooth. I added a bit of vanilla extract and a generous pinch of salt and whisked it all together.

Then I dumped in the following raw nuts and seeds. This combo is just what I happen to like and what I had on hand; you could certainly change this up quite a bit: chopped walnuts and pecans, sliced almonds, pepitas (shelled pumpkin seeds) and sesame seeds. I also added a handful of unsweetened coconut chips -- you know, the big, shaved flakes that you put in trail mix. I'd say the nuts/seeds/coconut measured around 4 or 5 cups total. (I opted not to add any dried fruit, preferring to add that to each serving separately, but you definitely could throw some into the mix at this point.)

Finally I beat an egg white until frothy and added that as well. Mix it all together, spread it out on a foil or parchment-lined baking sheet, and bake at 300 degrees until toasted but not too brown, stirring every 15 minutes or so. Mine took about 40 minutes but you do want to keep an eye on it. Let cool completely and store in an airtight jar.

If you want to keep this both primal AND vegan, just leave out the egg white. The granola won't form clusters that way but, you know, that's really just a matter of aesthetics. Either way, you'll never miss the oats.

Let's talk about pizza

Pizza, you guys. That is one of the very few foods I knew I'd miss when I went primal. Sure, there are recipes out there for "meatza" and coconut flour pizza dough and whatnot, but I am a LAZY pizza addict. I don't want to mess around with making dough, even if the dough is made out of meat. (Okay, I'm just going to say it: meatza sounds so gross to me. I'm sure it's not. It's probably amazing. But I just can't, y'all.) I am not a make-it-from-scratch pizza person. I'm more a call-whatever-place-has-a-coupon person. Or a stick-it-in-the-microwave-and-call-it-done person. When I want pizza, I want pizza NOW.

So. What to do, what to do? I started thinking about cheats I could use for the crust. Just layer a bunch of zucchini ribbons, maybe? Pizza-flavored crustless quiche? Stick all the toppings in a bowl, nuke them, and eat them with a spoon? I was getting a little desperate.

And then the lightbulb went off. I like mushrooms on my pizza ... what if I used a really BIG mushroom for the "crust"? Kind of like those English muffin pizzas I used to love making back in high school? Yeah!

Primal Portabella Pizza

1 reasonably large portabella mushroom
olive oil
pizza toppings of your choice

This is so stupid easy it doesn't really require a recipe, but for those of you who, like me, are more comfortable with step-by-step instructions:

Take a portabella mushroom, brush it clean, carefully remove the stem and any overlapping spongey bits from the underside, rub it all over with olive oil and broil it gills-up for about 5-7 minutes. You want it a bit tender but not completely cooked. Remove from broiler, layer on your toppings, then stick it back under the broiler until the cheese is all melty and the toppings are cooked to your liking. (That one in the photo is a little underdone, but I was hungry. I couldn't wait.)

That's it! You'll probably have to eat this with a knife and fork but I'm telling you, if you like mushrooms on your pizza you will never miss the crust with one of these babies. One makes a yummy snack, one (or two) plus a big salad makes a meal.

And just like with the Not Ramen from yesterday, this can easily be made vegetarian or vegan depending on your topping choices (Daiya cheese, anyone?).

I am never giving up pizza, you guys.

Not ramen

Yesterday was not a good day at the saltycrunchy house. Daughter H recovering from the flu (we think), husband P suffering from some horrible but probably non-flu-related malady, son C and I feeling a bit off ourselves and trying not to breathe too deeply for fear of catching everyone else's germs.

It was a ramen kind of day, is what I'm saying.

I was BIG into ramen back when I was eating grain. I'd buy the kind you cook on the stovetop, throw away the seasoning packet, and doctor up the plain noodles with all sorts of stuff. What to do now that I'm eating primal?

Well, here's what I did.

Primal Not Ramen

1 small knob fresh ginger
1 clove garlic
1 medium carrot
1 small zucchini (or 1/4 - 1/2 of a larger one)
1/4 cup shredded cooked chicken
a few dashes coconut aminos
1 cup (8 oz.) chicken broth (I used Pacific organic but homemade would be better)
2 Tbs. fresh cilantro (just rip it off the stem)
one small wedge of lime
a drizzle of sriracha

Mince or grate (using a microplane) a bit of ginger and garlic into a big soup bowl. Peel carrot and zucchini with a vegetable peeler, then keep on peeling long ribbons from each one and put them in the bowl. These are your "noodles". Add chicken, then sprinkle on some coconut aminos (to substitute for soy sauce). Heat broth to a full boil either on stovetop or in microwave (just be very careful with the latter). Pour broth over vegetables and seasonings in bowl. Dunk all the veggies and meat under the broth and let them steep/cook for a minute or two. Top with fresh cilantro, a squeeze of lime and as much sriracha as your guts can handle.

***

I ate this with chopsticks and it was every bit as slurpy and delicious as ramen used to be. I didn't miss the grain noodles at all, I swear! You could easily go a step further and make this vegan by omitting the meat and using vegetable broth. And of course you could add all kinds of other veggies and seasonings and whatnot -- green onions, mushrooms, baby spinach, jalapenos, sesame seeds, etc.

I'm feeling a lot better today, so I'm going to go ahead and say this soup cures everything. But I'm not a doctor, so ... don't quote me.