Paleo pumpkin spice latte

If I ever manage to take a decent photo of a coffee drink, I fear the surprise might kill me.

By now you've all read this, which is horrifying and by all accounts absolutely true. Since then, all sorts of recipes for homemade pumpkin spice lattes have popped up on the interwebs. Does the world really need another one? Of course it does, silly.

I've been making my own damn pumpkin spice lattes for about a year now, and this is how I do it. My version is paleo, but I offer some additions/substitutions at the end that might not be. You do what you like, man. It's YOUR freaking latte!

Paleo Pumpkin Spice Latte

(Makes one 12-oz. drink, more or less.)

1-2 Tbs. pumpkin puree
1 tsp. pure maple syrup
1/2 tsp. pure vanilla extract
1/2 tsp. pumpkin pie spice
2 oz. brewed espresso
2 oz. canned full-fat coconut milk
6 oz. almond milk

Dump everything into a blender, blend, heat, enjoy!

Notes:

• For the pumpkin puree, you can use homemade or canned pumpkin. I use the organic canned stuff from Costco.
• Adjust the sweetener to your taste. I'm not a big fan of sweet. You can substitute one large pitted, chopped date for the maple syrup. Or try honey or liquid stevia. To me, maple + pumpkin is a no-brainer, but my husband is allergic to pure maple syrup, go figure.
• In lieu of espresso, just use strong brewed coffee or -- and this is a fantastic variation that I guarantee is delicious because I make mine this way about half the time -- strong brewed chai tea. I use rooibos for its naturally caffeine-free properties but you could use whatever.
• I hope it goes without saying that you can use whatever milk you like in this thing. I use homemade almond milk, which is my go-to milk substitute since I can't tolerate dairy, and add the canned coconut milk for extra body and creaminess.
• Possible additions: grass-fed gelatin or collagen hydrolysate (I always put about a tablespoon of this in mine), whey/protein powder, a tablespoon of grass-fed butter or coconut/MCT oil, a tablespoon of nut butter (pecan would be fantastic), a dollop of dulce de leche or cajeta (adjust/eliminate the sweetener accordingly), whipped dairy or coconut cream to float on top.
• If you're too busy to mess with all this in the morning, and who isn't, it'll keep for a day or two in the fridge. So you can make up a double batch when you have the time, then just heat and go in the morning!

Jose Cuervo, you were a friend of mine

One unintended consequence of eating paleo for the past year-plus and healing my gut fairly significantly is that when I ingest something my guts don't like, they let me know in no uncertain terms. So far there are only four offenders, thank goodness.

The lesser two evils are eggs and avocados. I can have a couple of eggs and/or half an avocado on any given day without much problem. But if I have a couple of eggs and/or half an avocado every day for two or three days in a row, I find myself bloated like a tick with insomnia, fatigue, digestive issues that don't bear mentioning, and a generally bitchy attitude. It is, shall we say, not fun. So I try to eat those things sparingly, because I can't imagine a life without avocados, you guys.

The two major offenders are dairy and alcohol. Dairy has been a life-long problem for me but I love cheese so much that I keep hoping it'll magically correct itself somehow. It hasn't. I've tried raw full-fat dairy and goat-based dairy and all of that ultra primal stuff, and no matter what, even a little bit of it causes all the problems above PLUS my throat and lungs fill up with mucus. Awesome. So yeah, dairy is Right Out.

Alcohol, though ... you guys. If you know me at all then you know that I LOVE the booze. I really do. I love to get all locavore amateur mixologist up in here, with all the amazing spirits that are being distilled in Texas right now. And I'll admit, even while eating paleo, I was indulging in an occasional local craft beer now and then. I don't have celiac and I'm pretty sure I don't have a major gluten sensitivity either, so I wasn't too worried about the occasional beer or glass of rye or what have you. But recently, any alcohol at all, whether gluten-free or not, causes the above issues (but not the dairy mucus thing, thank God).

This made me so sad when I first realized it, but then I decided to be grateful that I don't have an actual addiction to alcohol (I don't think. I'm, like, 95% sure) and to see what interesting mocktails I could come up with. Because I do have an herb addiction, apparently (22 different varieties and counting in this year's herb patch). And because I still need something delicious to sip this summer while I'm out on the patio grilling up a bunch of protein and veggies for dinner.

Below are a few of my favorite concoctions so far. A few notes on ingredients/method: you'll notice these are all sparkling water based; if anyone cares, my favorite brand is San Pellegrino, but it really doesn't matter which one you use. Or you could use flat water if you're not into bubbles. Typically I muddle the herbs, sweeteners and fruit together with the fruit juice before adding the water and ice. I don't bother straining mine but you certainly could. I'm sorry I don't have actual amounts/recipes for the herbs and other ingredients, you'll just have to make these to taste. You can't go too wrong here, and tasting is part of the fun!

Blackberries + mint + honey + sparkling water.

Blackberries + sage + honey + lemon + sparkling water.

Lavender + basil + cucumber + lime + sparkling water.

Fresh stevia + pineapple mint + lime + serrano pepper + sparkling water + salted rim.

Fresh pineapple + lime + mint + sparkling water.

Raspberries + chocolate mint + chocolate bitters + sparkling water.

Raspberries + mint + honey + rosewater + sparkling water.

Strawberries + lemon + honey + sparkling water.

I suppose it goes without saying that if you are able to tolerate booze (you lucky bastard, you), a splash of gin, rum, tequila or vodka would not go amiss in any of these drinks. But I'm going to be honest here: I don't miss the alcohol in these at all. No lie.

I'm really enjoying experimenting with these mocktails. My next wave will involve backing off from the honey a bit and incorporating more fresh stevia into the sweetened drinks to make them that much more paleo-approved.

Anyway, enjoy! And don't let being on the wagon keep you from having a delicious, festive summer! Sláinte!